thats what my Doc told me yesterday. :(. I guess its inevitable? I have heard some amazing stories of babies pulling thru but its just not realistic and doesnt happen very often. My Doctor said she has only seen it once. These day have been hard. Everything triggers the tears and I am having to go on with my days... there are just too many things to do to just hibernate in my room where I would like to be..
I had a dream last night that I heard his little heartbeat again. Deep inside I am holding on to some hope that he is going to make it and I will hear that heartbeat on Wednesday and see my numbers doubling. Problem is that everyday I feel less and less pregnant and I really think I can feel him dying. I am so sad for him, my little angel 7 weeks old today :(.
Some of my friends are killing me. I didnt tell them about the last 2 miscarrys and figured I would tell them this time and would appreciate their support if something happened. I posted it on my chat board and all I got was 3 word sentences. "so sorry Jenni". They could have at least separated the regular chatter from the apology. wtf? I understand that people just dont know what to say but this is not stranger chatter, I have been with these woman since we were pregnant with Sebastian. holy fuck, at least have the decency to give me my own chat block. fuck. I know I am being overly sensitive and these things wont be a big deal when my emotions are running high but I guess it just feels good to be angry at something/someone.
I keep hoping things will turn around and he will start developing faster. But then I worry if he will be special needs if he does go to full term. I guess I will get more answers on Wednesday after the ultrasound. If I see a heartbeat then its another waiting game and full on prayer. If no heartbeat then I will schedule a DNC and say goodbye to my little angel.
15 days ago my hcg levels were 504 and them 1300. Last week they were 5540 and only rose to 7700. We did see a heartbeat but Doc does not think the baby will survive :(.
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My heart truly goes out to you. I struggled to get pregnant for 2.5 yrs, and thankfully never had to experience the loss you are going through. I simply never got pregnant, and cried with every negative pregnancy test, and cried when my friends appeared to so easily conceive. I felt deformed and unwomanly. My last effort was IVF, and miraculously I conceived the first round, and went full term to give birth to my daughter and son.
ReplyDeleteApproximately 10 months later I began dreaming of more children, and I eventually went back for 4 more IVF procedures, to only cry and return to the same feelings of inadequacy when none of the IVF's resulted in getting pregnant.
I remember the feeling of deviststion, and I would hate for anyone to feel the way I did, but reflecting on the way it happened, and the fact I didn't get pregnant that 2nd time has become one of the biggest blessings I was given.
Of course, while in a state of loss, the last thing anyone wants to hear is that stupid phrase,"everything happens for a reason," and I wanted to yell at anyone that said that to me on those 4 negative pregnancy days. I never thought it could be true, but I am so thrilled I didn't get pregnant the second time. It took me nearly 2 years to understand, but I finally saw why my path didn't take me that way.
Hang in there, beautiful! It hurts now, but with all that you are working on now, maybe the timing was not what it was suppose to be. Hug your amazing little boy, and great hubby, and feel comforted. You are an amazing woman, and deserve happiness. I'm truly sorry for your loss, and I wish you the very best.