I have been racking my brain all day about what could have happened. Bottom line is I knew that this may happen and here it is... I wish I could pinpoint it. Ultrasound says within the last couple of days. We have been in Yosemite and I did a few small hikes but I seriously doubt that made any difference. I just cant decide if I should be mad at Yosemite for taking my baby or be comforted that I was surrounded by such beauty and felt that much closer to God and Heaven while my little one passed away. I look at that picture that I posted on FB and it makes me cry. I was holding my 2 babies and wishing I could enjoy the time that we were there instead of stressing about the rest of my crazy life and wishing we were home. That picture will always break my heart. I hope someday that I can return and not think about my little angel that pulled thru for 8 whole weeks. I wish I knew what took him and why. I'll guess I will have to wait till the day that I see him in Heaven to find out.
I woke up this morning to some spotting. I didnt feel too off and really wasnt positive that there would be no heartbeat. I called the nurse and they asked me to come in right away. Doc examined me and saw no active bleeding so we were a bit reassured. As soon as she inserted the probe I saw his little body had grown so much more than 2 weeks ago. Right away I saw that there was no flashing light that should have been his heartbeat and asked if it was recent because of the difference in his size. I could see the shape of his little arms and legs.. he made it so so far and cant believe that it was just a few short days ago..
DNC is scheduled for tomorrow. I am praying to God that it doesnt happen tonight. I just want to go to sleep and wake up like it was all a dream/nightmare and start fresh and try again. Please God, just leave me alone for the next 24 hrs..
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