playing the waiting game

this post is sad.. please remember you can choose not to read..

if it wasnt for the little bump I feel I swear I wouldnt even know there is a baby in there. Over the past 2 days my symptoms went from a little bit to absolutely nothing. This one is a little bit more scary than the last 2. They were chemical pregnancies and even though I know I had gotten pregnant, only 2 days later I knew I was no longer pregnant and dealt with the 'period' like a normal one. I even ran a half marathon during the last one. This one I just dont know how it will play out. I am still holding on to a little bit of hope that I will see a heartbeat on Wednesday but reality is I felt him dying on Friday. The feeling was undeniable and my current lack of symptoms confirms it. I would love to see that heartbeat but I also want him to just stay in there till Wednesday so the Doc can confirm he is gone and I can let them clean him out. I dont want to go through the pain of passing him on my own and I cant stomach the thought of having to wash him down a drain. I guess the torture would be less if I could quit calling him a 'him'. I cant. He is my baby and I fell in love him as soon as I got the positive.
This is exactly what I was happy to avoid 15 years ago when I was told I wouldn't ever have a baby. *sigh* I thank God every day, especially these last few days for the uncomplicated miracle that is my son Sebastian and hope and pray that I will get one more miracle. This one would be nice but I am ok with it being sometime in the near future. Writing all this down is certainly helping me to grieve properly and face the inevitable so when the waiting game is over, I can move on and try again.
stats
no symptoms, not even the exhaustion
cramps getting a little more intense
occasional stabbing pain in abdomen, no longer the undeniable round ligament pain I was getting used to.
no blood/no spotting. Some woman go weeks before miscarrying, making it a missed miscarriage :(